Hi.

 Hi.

It's been a while.

Sometimes I commit to something and I get very excited about it and I do it consistently for a while, and then I get so overwhelmed with the expectation to continue to do the thing I committed to and so I just stop doing it altogether.

It's not that I don't have the time. I have plenty of time. I'm not in rehearsals, which was my usual go-to excuse. Nope. I just stopped writing because it became too overwhelming. 

And honestly, I don't have anything to really write about all of the time. 

I have this grandiose plan to write an entire solo show, with completely original songs. Every three weeks or so I hole myself up in a coffee shop and open my laptop, write maybe two or three solid lyrics, a few random ideas for songs, check my email, and then I finish my latte and go home. 

It's not like I've never written music before. I have. Pretty good music, too. But I know myself and I know that I write music best when I write the music first, and then they lyrics come to me from there. So to force myself to write lyrics first isn't doing me any favors and is making me feel unproductive, but I can't bring myself to just sit down and even noodle around on my keyboard. It's intimidating to put such expectations on yourself.

This is very important to me.

I miss performing so much it hurts. I see my friends all back on stage after 2 long years of lockdown, and my initial gut feeling is, "Why don't I get to do it, too?" with an accompanying pang of anger, not at my friends for doing what they love and getting to do what I love, but at the universe for ....everything.

I know that if I ever want to get back on stage, it has to be on my own terms. But I don't want it to be just any old performance. I don't want to get on a stage and sing a couple of show tunes or pop covers into a microphone. I want to do something challenging. I want to put on a show that makes people remember who I am and what I can do. I want to share my story the best way I know how and by doing the thing I do best - singing. 

I just need to find the motivation to sit down and actually write. 

Wish me luck.