What NOT to Say to Someone with Cancer

When I was diagnosed, I learned very quickly that people, especially strangers, really have no idea how to talk to someone who has just revealed that they have cancer.

It's no fault of their own - I think (most) people genuinely mean well and sometimes just miss the mark and say something like:

"Oh you have colon cancer? My grandpa/uncle/dentist died of that."

"You don't look like you have cancer."

"But you still have hair!"

"Let me know if there's anything I can do." 

That last one makes the list because it is an empty statement. I'll explain why later.

Then there are the slightly less well-meaning people who think they are helping you but are actually just helping themselves to feel as though they did something good by "helping" someone else: 

"Have you tried [insert miracle cure]? You should try [woo-woo magic potion]."

I have already written a whole post about these people, so I won't expound on this much.

Then there are the conspiracy theorists:

"Chemo doesn't work. It's poison designed to keep you sick so the doctors keep making money off of you."

"You can't just trust what doctors say. Do your own research."

"There's a cure for cancer, Big Pharma just won't share it because then they would lose a whole sector of people they profit from."

Then there are the people who are just plain mean:

"If you're dying, why bother with treatment? Why not die with dignity and spend what time you have left with your family?"

Yes, people actually say that to cancer patients.

Then there are the ones who talk about God's involvement:

"This is all part of God's plan/design."

"Pray to God - he will heal you completely."

"God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors."

That last one makes me want to puke. I have nothing against your religion (unless you use it to oppress people), but if you think God has anything to do with my diagnosis, could you tell him to chill? Could you ask him why he gave me cancer (or children, for that matter)? Let him know I'm sick of being strong and would like a day off?

I don't mind people asking if they can pray for me. I love it, in fact. That's very nice. But to tell ME that in order to be healed I need to believe in God and trust in God and pray to God and give myself to God - that's entering uncomfy territory and I don't like it. 

Then there are the ones where people insinuate that we (cancer patients) did something to deserve cancer:

"It's probably because of a bad diet."

"Did you do [this]? I bet it's because you didn't [do this] enough/you [did this] too much."

Let me be very clear: Nobody deserves cancer. Nobody did anything to get cancer. If my cancer was caused by a bad diet, then everybody in America would have it. Children get cancer, so please tell me how a child has done something to deserve it. (This is something my late friend Kasey used to say to trolls all the time, and I could not agree more.)

So, feel free to use this post as a guidebook of things not to say to someone who has just shared their diagnosis with you. 

If you read this and your takeaway was "Okay well if I'm not allowed to say any of this, then what CAN I say to someone with cancer?" then let me supply you with a helpful list:

Nothing. You could say nothing at all. Acknowledge it and move on.

Offer to run errands: "Can I pick up your prescriptions?" or "Do you need groceries?" These are concrete things that I can say accept or reject, rather than someone saying "Let me know if there's anything I can do." It's easier for me to accept help when actual help is offered. It's a nice and thoughtful gesture, but ultimately statements that begin with "Let me know" put the onus on me and that doesn't help me much.

Ask how they're doing. Read the room and if they seem uncomfortable sharing, change the subject.

Honestly, just don't bring up death or dying, or God (unless you KNOW the person believes in God), or miracle cures. Just don't. 

Of course this is all my own opinion and from my perspective, so this could vary from person to person, but I think it's safe to say nobody wants to hear about how the disease they are fighting killed someone else. 

Until next time.

xoxo,

Gossip Girl

Molly